If You Fall…

IMG_5969I was on the way somewhere a week ago, and waiting at a red light, I saw this sign which, well, I had to read it couple of times, because I couldn’t get it right away. I finally realized it said: “If You Fall, I’ll be There” signed “Floor.” It was so out of place, it seemed, but then I figured it was in front of a small strip mall, so it would make sense it was a floor store, and it probably was.

Anyway, that message “If You Fall, I’ll Be There. Floor”, that is some really cool ad, it is smart (even though it took me forever to understand it J ) but as soon as the light changed, and I moved on, I started thinking. The self-help group meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and its people were always there for me. The promise of recovery (if you did the requirements), the spirit of fellowship. The time we spent with each other. The shoulder to lean on, the ear to listen as you vented or cried. And the kind words.

They are the floor I would fall on if it happened to be so, and they are always there. It depends on me to always be there too, because I am one of them, and without that unity, we are done with.

the image was copied from https://azitanahai.com/if-you-fall-ill-be-there/ thank you.

Up and Forward

bad-weather-is-likely-going-to-happen-at-some-point-in-your-area-is-your-company-prepared-mediumHe said “God must be hating us,

It is so nasty out with all the rain and wind

That just stepping out for a smoke feels like a torturous ordeal,

And walking to the store would feel like the end of the world.”


I replied “You know, back home we have a saying:

‘Nature doesn’t have a bad weather.’

Nature, which is God in all things to me,

It doesn’t hate you.

It doesn’t care for you in the first place.

It cares for nothing, or no one.

It just grows,

Up and forward.


Stop giving yourself negative thoughts for no good reason.

Nobody hates you

But your saying it on a regular basis

Will make you believe it one day.

And then nature will eat you in one gulp

And move on,

While you will make no history whatsoever.”

the image was copied from https://www.employmentcrossing.com/employers/article/900046349/Should-Your-Company-Have-a-Bad-Weather-Policy/ thanks.



i-was-normal-once_o_251939I keep hearing people say at the meetings, “I never drank like normal people,” or “I did this and that, unlike the normal people.”

I know what they are trying to say. We, the alcoholics, drank in so much different way than the people we watched drinking by our side, at friends’ high school parties or at the company’s Xmas party. There are people who would nurse a glass of beer for an hour, and we’d gulp three glasses in that time. We’d drink vodka in mugs, not in shots. They’d walk home straight, and we’d crawl, shitfaced. So I am sure I know what they mean. I understand that is vital for us to remind ourselves how out of control our drinking and our behavior used to be, that is will never be in the ranges of control. But I think we should refrain from saying.

The alcoholics who have been in the program for a while, the most part of them they are OK with who they are, now sober and grateful. But the “younger generation” who are in their early sober years, I think they may look at themselves with disdain if they compare themselves to the so called “normal people.”

And we don’t know who those people actually are.

I used to have another magnet on my fridge that said “’Normal’ is just a setting on the washing machine.”

With that in mind, normality is very subjective.

They could be nice people and good Samaritans. Or they could have someone chained to the wall in their basement. You’d hope not, but the news reveals everyday morbid stuff about some of our neighbors who look pleasant and behave courteous.

What I’m trying to say with this is, don’t be hard on yourself and don’t idolize others. You never know how strange they may be. And most importantly, you never know how good you, actually, are. You could be the most awesome human that ever walked the earth. So remember who you were, who you can never be (a person who can control their drinking) and carry on, trying to be that awesome one.

the image was copied from https://www.memecenter.com/fun/251939/i-was-normal-once thank you

Beautiful Lies

361405Illusion is something that interested me for many years now. I wrote about it in terms of addiction and substance abuse. Following is a reflection on something similar, but from a bit of a different perspective.

Here is lyrics to a song by American band Flotsam and Jetsam that I’ve been listening to for a while. This song called “Ugly Noise” is off same-titled album. It is the first track, so I listened to the album several times, and it finally got to me, the meaning that I gave it, anyway. I’ve edited the lyrics, because the lines are repeated a lot during the course of the song.

“In the circle take your place

Feel free to roam inside this space

I can’t leave I know too much

To rise and show my face


Ugly Noise and Beautiful Lies


Tell you where to start

Tear away from the heart

Tear away


I loved it once

I love it more

I begin to feel what I felt before


Ugly Noise and Beautiful Lies.”

The way I see it, the song’s message has to do with many themes: control, addiction, brainwashing. Here’s how:

“In the circle take your place” We are allowed to stay once we are born, but we need to follow the rules and stay in line. Each day the humanity used to be told God loves them so they shall obey in order not to make God be wrathful. Nowadays, although some of us still receive that religious message, the rest of us listen to the real and metaphorical kings and queens that make us think and believe we are nothing without them, and in order to stay alive we should stay the way we are. Somehow, the propaganda machine manages to make us believe we are free. This well oiled mechanism doesn’t seem to fail in brainwashing the masses through the years. Some though do fall out of the system, they get more informed about our situation, and those are searched out, and often silenced or put away.

I am not sure what would ugly noise stand for. Maybe it is the way F&J music’s being called through the years. But beautiful lies? Is that for the lyrics? No lies here. Just reality. Maybe tiny bit exaggerated, but…

Or maybe it is what our society is doing, making ugly noise with machine and never-ending chatter, and the beautiful lies are coming through all of the advertisement of everything, including the stuff we don’t need, but they want to sell.

“I loved it once, I love it more” Addiction to substances and behaviors usually come from the void inside, from pain that is not healed, from keeping the words we are ashamed to say, from fear unchallenged, from anger unresolved. We’d use whatever substance or behavior to cover up the pain, fear, and shame, but it only gets better for a short period of time. We love the time spent in illusion of happiness, but soon we need to use more to run away from discomfort for a while longer. If we don’t have our “fix”, it starts feeling like the old pain and fear come back, and with it desperation hopelessness, and anger.

The lies are always there to be spoken and eagerly read. The noise never stops.

Lyrics © Flotsam and Jetsam

the image was copied from https://www.metal-archives.com/albums/Flotsam_and_Jetsam/Ugly_Noise/361405 thank you

Pray No Question

27684-man-praying-facebook_800w_tnSun went down the toilet

When you heard the news.

It was what you didn’t want to hear.

You tried to pretend you heard none of it.

When the first wave went down,

And left you soaked in reality’s harshness,

You sat down on the beach of your broken hope

And started questioning it.

So ignorant, it tasted sweet.

Righteousness felt good

Rolling off of your tongue down to the ground,

Making you feel abused the way you liked it.

And when the waves slowed down their approach

And died out, and the tears were gone,

Something came upon you,

And you got on your knees.

Words that came out now

Were no screams,

But whispers,

With each one coming,

Forced out by a power you rejected,

Care replaced pity,

Hope dug itself out of the ground.

You washed salt of your face

And anger was gone for the time being.

There will be more waves to come in the future.

Questioning the ones with power of the winds and dreams

Brings nothing but soul hurting in invisible fire,

As the mind reaches for things it cannot feel,

Cannot see coming,

Wanting too much,

Drowning in sweat of its own work

That brings no fruits,

But a rotten corpse

Of a self-will-run-riot.

the image was copied from https://www.christianheadlines.com/columnists/breakpoint/why-we-pray-a-serious-answer-for-a-serious-question.html thanks.

Offensive Words

camel-teeth2-660x382You can take a camel to the water,

But good luck making it drink.

You can take an addict to rehab

But will they be ready and do what it takes to recover?


Often times, they do.

It’s just depends on how massive is the want to get better,

How deep is the pain they keep trying to leave behind,

And how much power will they put in to come to good life.


That is, of course, unless they’d get on a wagon of speaking

In politically correct terms,

Saying that being called an “addict”

Is deprecating and offensive.


That may feel like correct and righteous position to take,

But the offensive word may carry

The truth, and with it, the full recovery,

Like it happened to me.

the image was copied from here  http://texashillcountry.com/camel-corps-army-bring-camels-texas/ thank you.

Miracles in Life

Dedicated to George.

May you be safe, and return well, and stay happy after.


Miracles-in-Our-life-1I had a chance to go to a NA meeting recently, and thanks to that learn how that 12 Step fellowship does things differently from the AA fellowships that I am used to.

Besides doing much more reading from pamphlets than I’d do at a regular AA, and replacing word “alcohol” with “addiction” in the Steps writing, and things like that, which were unique to me and very cool because of that, there was another thing that had impressed me.

I don’t know if this is the tradition that unites all of the NA meetings through the world. We were sitting around several long tables that were put in a rectangular shape. When closing the meeting, and standing, the members were asked to look at the middle of the rectangle, and I realized there was a chair standing in the opening that I missed before. The chair, according the chairperson, was saved for another person, but they didn’t make it to the meeting. The mythical person who missed the meeting could have got stuck in traffic, but also could have been out there, suffering of their addiction, unable to come. They could have turned their head on the recovery program, frustrated with too many things in life to look after. They could be dead because of the paths they chose to follow, compromised by their lifestyle. The last words of the meeting were for the hope of the Absent One’s well being, those are out there in active disease, just like we used to be.

I thought that was very powerful. The 12 Steps program is to let ourselves to get better, but also to carry the message to the addicts who still suffer. We are to be of service.

There is also another reminder in it, of how lucky we the recovered are, whether it is alcohol or narcotics that we are addicted to. I celebrated another AA birthday last week and visiting my home group, standing around people who shared my disease and who got recovered from it, like I did, thanks to the meetings and doing the Steps, I could see that we are, indeed, miracles. So many people who tried to sober up and clean up didn’t make it, couldn’t make it through the years. We have made it. We should cherish it. And we should remember that sobriety, just like life itself, can be fragile.

the image was copied from http://balance-today.com/2017/05/20/miracles-in-our-life/ and warped by me. thank you.