I’m not done getting over you.
Yes, I said it, grieving time will take a long, and that would involve doubting, and self-pity, and bursts of anger, and desire to bargain. So it’s normal not to be over this broken relationship just yet, but I still want to write about it.
I’m not done with keeping alive a tiny flame of hope that we may start together again one day. I miss you in so many ways that I can’t believe we can’t be close. Every day I have these short memories of things we used to do, and each time they are gone, I’m left wondering why can’t we be one when those things were so good while we were side by side.
Then I’d think of that, and realize that you that I want to be with is the one I used to know and loved that much. You are now a new you, the one trying to move on and let go, checking out new things that shape you into a different person. This new you have looked inside for long, seeing what you and I were, questioning, doubting, raging, crying about what we couldn’t preserve. The person who is coming out after these long gazes may not be the one I loved so dearly and the one I want back. I tell myself I’ll be happy to take you back whichever the way you are, but then I realize that I lie. I’ve been looking inside and raged and doubted, and frowned aplenty to know I am different too and my visions about who I want and needed may have changed as well.
And still, I am walking the road of hesitation and certainty, at equal parts, and one part wants you so crazily, and another one pulls the first one back and tells it of so many possibilities, and the one that wants you crazily agrees and nods, yet still looks back and screams, and calls, ready to give up itself just to have you back in my arms.
It’s been a month and a half and I am not done getting over you. One day I will, but hell do I hate this pendulum-moving moods.
I heard the word. I knew the meaning. I knew I’d have to deal with it sometimes.
Last time I had to deal with it, I knew nothing. My girlfriend left after a tumultuous one-year relationship. I was left alone in the country still new to me, with no family, no close friends, just people I knew from school I went to. So I had no idea what was hitting me and why wouldn’t it stop causing me pain. At the same time, continuing to drink heavily did help to relieve some pain, although next day I’d be dealing with grieving and hangover. Very questionable cure, no?
Eleven years later it came back.
Actually no, not so easy. The thing is grieving is not just when you lose a person. It could be leaving or been let go from job, being robbed, etc. For example, I had quite a bit of grieving time last year I knew I’ll have to be leaving my job in the workplace where, in different stages and positions, I spent 7.5 years. Although no one made me go, per se, the conditions and the atmosphere were worsening, and I had to look for a new job and then work at it part time, while still keeping the full time one. By the time my part time position turned into full time, and I quit first job it’s been two months. Those two months of doubting, fuming, clenching fists and mentally saying goodbyes, that helped a lot later on, because by the time I started the full time job at the new place, all the feeling of regret and loss and anger left me. I was serene with my departure and leaving people and things behind, and I was fully ready for what was waiting ahead for me.
But a year later there was another curve. That the one of which I originally said “11 years later, it came back.” Yes. My eight-year relationship with a lady with whom I was by then engaged, that journey was over. We started to grow apart from each other, I guess, stuck on certain things we couldn’t let go of and looking for different things that wouldn’t work for both of us. That’s a situation in a nutshell, explained in a very primitive manner. But however basic I described it, eight-year union, hell, this was one was three times longer than all my other relationships together. It would be fair to say that this break up will hurt me more than all the others put together. Or something similar to that.
This time I was sober for over a decade. I was no longer fired from jobs on a regular basis for being irresponsible. On contrary, people I worked with and for expressed gratitude for what I do. I went to my support meetings and chatted with people in recovery on a regular basis. My family is a great support to me as well, as they’ve been through the years. I knew the world wasn’t perfect and secured some positions of my life to lean on and take cover when it gets tough.
Yet it still hurts. It has to. Such is the grieving process design. It has stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance, and all those are in play, not necessarily in that order, and they could come back and go and come back again. I dealt with denial and anger first, then some acceptance came in. I never thought it would, but bargaining happened two weeks in, when I tried to reconcile with my ex-partner. Strangely enough, acceptance was soaring over it unmasked. So I know it all could change and go over, however my mind will play it out, affected by internal processes, as well as close environmental changes. I will be going over and over this in my head some days, figuring out what figured out already. I’ll be sad. My eyes would get wet every once in a while, and it will be hard to breathe. Then I’ll be OK and yell cocky anthems of freedom and Gods know what else. Then I’ll get down again.
Once I realized that all can be and witnessed a confirmation to that over and over, I thought of something else which never dawned on me and what I didn’t hear other people say.
I recalled a month long separation from my girlfriend who I was with for a year while still drinking. It reminds me a lot of what I am dealing with now, because I still live in the same apartment as I did then and it was also in mid/late September as the latest break up happened. And yes, I was still drinking, and trying to quit. Only at that time I had no idea what I was doing. I was battling lots of things in my head. Justification, regret, righteousness, loss, and anger toward myself for not being able to stop poisoning myself on regular and volunteer basis.
The reason I thought of that is that now that I am looking back on my life of eight years with that woman, knowing that this transition would benefit me, but also missing and needing her presence greatly, trying to figure out some things that are still unclear, battling with myself on the right motives of doing certain things while being together, – it all feels similar to what my life was like separating with another woman, as well eventually, almost a year later, battling and finally quitting drinking alcohol. Why was quitting drinking so hard? Because I was thoroughly dependent on it. Letting go of this substance was extremely hard, because although it poisoned my body and mind, it created a temporary illusion of normalcy and joy that made me tolerate the world around me that I was at war with.
Yes, the amount of time I spend in my head thinking things over is pretty much unstoppable and that’s why my current grieving over the broken long term committed romantic relationship is similar to the process of quitting drinking.
Weird? I think not. I think it is bizarre I haven’t thought of it earlier. Because now that I see it that way, I can think of some other things to include in my daily and nightly routine to help me get through. I am going to make sure prayer and meditation is even more present in my life than before. I plan to eat healthier, including lots of bananas. Hey, a psychiatrist in Russia recommended me to eat bananas over anti-depressants on a regular basis! My sleep patterns are kinda messed up since I work night shift, but I can try to keep it steady. I’ll exercise more. I hang out with people more than before. And I’ll write. Stay creative. Listen to the music that kicks my butt to go and get active. I dealt with these things before, so I should eventually be OK, right? So the research says. So also say people I know from self-help meetings. And my dog will keep my day schedule disciplined as he always did, haha.
I’m moving on. I’m told it’s gonna be hard, and I believe it and I accept it. That way it should be a bit easier, shouldn’t it?
Among the green lit by sun,
Morning mists just vanished,
Around the coat of arms
Mowed in the grass
With flower beds so tight, so vast,
Not minding the sprinkles raging,
I see you walk, without a care
So I assume,
Melancholy reigns your mind,
Or deep thoughts you’re enjoying,
Unravelling secrets you desire,
One way or other.
I watch you tirelessly,
Each minute under European skies
Is the blessing of peace
My psyche requires
Away from want and need
Until the world again awakens
In its rage for intoxication
Of things, ideas, and beliefs.
[image was copied from http://s1.1zoom.net/big0/100/426900-svetik.jpg. thanks.]
Civil war insanity
Interests and values,
Pissing on belief systems
And questions morality.
So is in my head
When I doubt sanity
And worship chaos.
Axl blares on,
Wondering what’s civil
About war anyway.
It’s a nasty business
In which no one truly wins.
With me, it’s a dispute in which
If there is a gain,
It’s only a temporary euphoria
Of the party that needs
Fairytales more than anything.
In the end all forces die
To black oblivion
That takes hours to dissipate
Before new life of suspicion
Mine used to be the state
Of body, spirit, and mind
Broken by my own
Of not belonging to,
Not wanting to a part of,
Desiring escape from,
And fearing responsibilities,
As well as obligations,
Constantly feeling like
As a square peg
Into a rounded hole
Of society’s norms
In a manner of what felt like
To die insane.
image was recompressed out of the visions copied from http://www.aircontrolindustries.com/global/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/dangers-of-compressed-air.png and http://pyebarker.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/compressed-air-storage.jpg. thanks.
You think that sun is shining and gives warmth
But not to you,
To someone else perhaps,
But you are always in the shade.
On a hot day it’s good,
But there are more of the colder days
And they last longer.
And the wind is always sharper
Just when you have to walk away
From a shelter you were forced to leave.
What you believed to be salvation
From pain and awkwardness
Became poison you can’t live without.
You heard of people who ended up that way
But you never believed it to be true
Or that it will ever, even in the wildest dreams
Of a madman living in the middle of nowhere,
Would happen to you.
And now witnessing it being real
You still deny it with ferocity of a man drowning at sea.
Only you are really drowning
And you’re not crying for help.
You are too scared to display
Your inability to control your life
You are too embarassed to show the rest of the world
That you can’t enjoy life to the fullest
Like they do, or pretend to do.
Strange colors shine on you at night
When your head screams for fresh air
And your guts are about to swear blood vengeance
For the harms you put them through
And yet still you look upon the wreckage
Of your life you never lived,
Just wallowed in grey existence,
Of never ending hopes
That come through aborted
When opportunities knock
And come away shattered,
Of poisoned hearts and
Rusty nails you continue to step on
And you grin to the sun that seems
To only want to burn you alive
And you give yourself another promise
You so hard want to keep
And forgetting to buckle up
You step out on the road
Into the icy wind that you believe
To be bringing change
To your life
That truly only exists in your drunken bouts.
Again came the day
When light was night
And trees were fog
And birds chirping
Was cars with no tires
Screeching against the concrete
At full speed
Down to heaven
In a rush you’d never see
But on December Black Fridays.
All was grey, like the sun had a hangover
And all I cared
Was nothing at all,
But sitting in a shower all day,
With hot water running down by back,
As I felt secure
In my inactivity
In the evening
I’d stumble out of the bathroom,
Like I was drunk and stoned and beaten,
All at the same time,
And stare at the window
At the grey world
And trees whose branches looked
Like fog that descended once
And never wanted to leave,
For in our world
No one cares to look
Or pay attention anyway.
Blind as just born puppies
We only go for what we want to have
Or what we were taught to do,
Not thinking about what others are doing,
Unless it benefits or harms us.
This day lasts for weeks,
Season of rains,
Never ending nights.
I don’t know my surroundings anymore.
I don’t know what is there to wish for,
To have this grey time end,
Or find something within me
To make my life worth something,
No matter what the world outside the window looks like.
I think I just answered my question,
But I am just so scared
To make the change.
the image was copied from