You think that sun is shining and gives warmth
But not to you.
To someone else perhaps,
But you are always in the shade.
On a hot day it’s good,
But there are more colder days
And they last longer.
And the wind is always sharper
Just when you have to walk away
From a shelter you were forced to leave yet again.
What you believed to be salvation
From pain and awkwardness
Became poison you can’t leave without
You heard of people who ended up that way
But you never believed it to be truly true
Or that it will ever would happen to you.
And now witnessing it being real
You still deny it with ferocity of a man drowning at sea.
Only you are really drowning
And you’re not crying for help.
You are too scared to display
Your inability to control your life
You are too embarassed to show the rest of the world
That you can’t enjoy life to the fullest
Like they do (or pretend to?)
Strange colors shine on you at night
When your head screams for fresh air and your guts are about to swear blood vengeance
For the harms you put them through
And yet still you look upon the wreckage of your life you never lived,
Just wallowed in grey existence
Of never ending awkward hopes
That come through, aborted by your endless mistakes.
They crawl away, shattered,
As poisoned hearts and
Rusty nails you continue to step on.
You grin at the sun that seems to only want to burn you alive
And you give yourself another promise
That you so hard want to trust.
Forgetting to buckle up
You step out on the road
Into the icy wind that you believe
Will bring change
To your life
That truly only exists in your drunken bouts.
[the image was copied from ‘ere. thanks.]
For us, problem drinkers,
Of so called substances,
It always calls for the other.
It just does.
And the longer is the break between the two,
That break being stuffed with
all the good things,
And double cheeseburgers :D
The firmer is the guarantee
Of longer abstinence
Maybe even life time abstinence.
But take one drink
Here or there
And the mess will break out,
It will double and triple
Destroying all the hard work,
That courage, serenity, and wisdom
Gave birth to.
To the waste
The whole world goes.
No change takes place,
Unless in yourself.
While needs are unanswered
If not spoken out,
Or prayed away,
The fresh air,
Kingdom of no flesh.
Knowing its path
Is where loving oneself
Is not a crime,
The voice of the sky
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 500 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 8 trips to carry that many people.
I’ve been watching quite a bit of X-files and each time the intro plays through, there is one of the series tag lines come up: The truth is out there. For a long time in my life, even without reading that line, I believed it.
For a long time I was searching for the true way to live. There thing I kept finding, but they didn’t fit what I wanted. I used to look for the meaning of life, but what I’d find was not cool, was too humble. I looked for things spiritual, and finding letting go was not fitting the life I wanted to live. I was looking for a girl that would be right for me, but kept ending up staring me in the face in a lonely room. At the same time, I was trying to learn how to drink is such a way that I’d be having fun but stayed healthy as well. I didn’t find much, because poisoning myself on a regular basis stirred me from the right path of looking for the right things and people.
And when I came to AA I found that the truth I was looking for, the truth about life and love and serenity, it was right here. I was sitting at the meeting and thinking of how the AA program turned out to be pretty much everything I really needed to know and think of life and its laws and how to get along with it without being eaten alive by compulsions and obsessions of all kinds. And the “truth out there” tag came to mind out of nowhere and right there I knew why. It was a reversed message. The truth was in here. In these rooms. In the presence of other people willing to share their stories and listen and learn and support each other.
Often we hear that we found something we never wished for. That we found right things in the places we didn’t dare to look at for the longest times. This was my case. My life case. I am glad I allowed myself to give it a chance ten years back and allowed myself to stay.
My truth is here.
[the image was copied from ‘ere. thank you.]
Lost in the war of your own mind.
Believing in things that aren’t there
To be real.
Believing the things that are there to be
Much bigger, brighter. Accepted.
More loveable than the world that gave them life.
Wanting something you know you can’t have
And yet trying to get to it harder each time you remember of it.
Colors of life fade each Fall,
Yet you keep grabbing onto the dying heartbeat
Of the fallen leaf
With a persistence of a man drowning in the ocean.
Each time you submit yourself to burning
It feels like the world is to give in to your pleas
And let you have one more chance to fool yourself
And bless the process, stat to finish,
Including the burial expenses.
This is the time of joy you crave
And you celebrate it by burning down
All the sense you’ve created thus far.
Memories of hurt innocence
Spread their darkened wings
Like phantoms from cursed history.
Free flight of memories and fantasies is set
And off goes the mourning over pains kept so deep,
Yet each time sorrow crawls back under your skin
For you all you do is wish it away
With mind alterations that leaves you stupefied
As reality hits you in the face
With a blow of the hurricane ripping your face off.
Smell of burning entrails on your lips stuffs your head
As you walk away from another failure
To reach happiness on your own terms.
Wanting to be content without an effort to change,
Without sacrificing either time, or breath, or blood,
Is bigger than life, deeper than all the sweat
You’ve released, chasing shadows of things
That were never there in the first place.
[the image was copied from ‘ere. thank you!]